| | It's been tricky but recently I've been trying to find time for myself in order to gain improvement in aspects I tend to have trouble with. One of them is writing. Though lately my blog has been sounding somewhat like a tabloid gossip column, mind you, it is also how I at one point channeled my emotions as well. No, I'm not the most articulate writer and have a habit of repetition due to my fondness of specific words.
I think things have begun to improve though.
Yes, as a female, there are moments when I'm an emotional wreck and need to constantly find ways to expel those feelings. However, I feel this volunteer trip I made recently truly put matters into perspective for me, not just as an aspiring physician but as a human being as well.
Growing up as an only child with little ways to find self-confidence, I was quite the shy kid. At times, I'd have trouble just talking to the ice cream man to buy some ice cream. I was very sensitive to people's comments yet at the same time did not have a good amount of tact. Sometimes, I'd be too hyper to control myself that people would get embarrassed by the things that I said.
I do believe that a large part of our characters is continually carried on with us despite how much we've matured. It's interesting to see the worst of us come out even when we feel we've overcome it.
I diverge. So anyway, from this volunteering experience where we, the medical students, were given the opportunity to just shed our ego and pride and have as much fun as we could with the children. It was initially a little awkward for me but it didn't take me much time to really get into the full swing of things - after all, I do have a large amount of innate silliness (in a good way of course).
There were two girls in my class who came with me on this trip. Both were terrific but in different ways and I felt as though I was seeing the two different ends of a spectrum of myself. For some odd reason, I've noticed in my life that I always fall midway between two different characters. I'll have little bits and pieces of the personalities of both but not the full extent. Of course, there is much more to who they are than meets the eye so my measurements are based off of just what I experienced over this brief but exhilarating weekend.
One was the oldest of five so she had the motherly type of character, someone who'd love to have many children in the future and listen to all their stories and help them with what whatever they needed. The other was the strong, independent type who was very straightforward in whatever she had to say. She expressed that she probably should censor some of her speeches but we knew it was all in good intention.
So where do I fall here?
I was probably at one point much similar to the girl with her straightforwardness and independent character. Don't get me wrong, I can still stand on my own two feet and I'm sure the other motherly girl was more than capable of doing so as well. I just happen to have a little dose of both; while I don't look into a future of having many children, I do want people to trust me, to be able to share their stories with me and if it requires that I just have a little more patience with them, then I'm willing to make changes.
On the other hand, I don't want to go as far as to bend my back over all the time with everyone. There is always a limit to how emotionally you should ever get involved with your patients. Emotion is a very frail thing and if you give too much of it away, there will be none left for you to hold onto. In the end, wherever you may have placed those emotions may turn you down, things may not turn out as you'd hoped to and you'll just be disappointed from whatever efforts you'd put on the spot.
My limit is two kids. I do want kids eventually (that is, if I can find the right man to begin with of course) but I don't expect to make my life circulate around that idea. I still want to pursue what I want and along the way, if I happen to decide that it's time to settle down, I'll make changes then. No need to look into the future too early yet.
From all this, I got the final boost I needed in self-confidence that has been really wavering up and down lately because of some unfortunate recent events (for lack of better expression, drama with friends which I hate in any form or shape). It was the realization that I could be whomever I wanted to be, I really could, it just was that do I choose to be that person?
It's very empowering to understand that you have the power to be someone else yet you choose not to do so, that you are not ashamed of your selections despite how the world may revolve around you. I mean, I've never been one to succumb to the beliefs of majority just because it's the majority's opinions anyway but for me to feel confident about doing so was consistently a different story. I would question my own beliefs many times due to my observation in how other's carried out their activities.
But you know what?
I have my own ways of handling matters. Though there may have been other methods, I will have confidence in what I decide until it shows that my convictions are detrimental. Everyone has their own style including myself.
So the kind of woman that I'm determined to become is one that is not afraid to have a mind of her own, to speak of it when necessary yet still be open minded to the thoughts of others, in order to gain their trust. I want to become a person who can win over my people through the power of persuasion, through understanding, while never losing the essence of who I am.
It should be understood that there obviously will be moments when this belief in myself can get shaky. Nevertheless, I find that declaring it in one form or another is essential for me to figure out the kind of doctor and woman I want to be.
Oh yes and one more thing.
Be more expressive ... I feel that people aren't expressive enough of appreciation, of good things in life, of others and whatnot. I don't deny that I'm at fault for this and I will strive to improve in this aspect as well despite how awkward others may feel about it.
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| | Posted 4/1/2008 4:19 AM - 18 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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